One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

              The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

              When she asked  me why, I replied,

              "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

              And that's how the fight started.....

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              My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while      we were in bed.

              I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

              'No,' she answered. I then said,

              'Is that your final answer?'

              She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

              So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

              And that's when the fight started...

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              I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

              "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

              He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

              "Nah, she can order for herself."

              And that's when the fight started.....

              _______________________________

              My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school      reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his      drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

              I asked her, "Do you know him?"

              "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking      right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

              "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

              And then the fight started...

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              When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting      to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had      something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,      making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she      thought of a clever way to make her point.

              When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall      grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing      scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into      the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again      I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the      grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

              The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

              ______________________________

              My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

              She asked, "What's on TV?"

              I said, "Dust."

              And then the fight started...

              ________________________________

              Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my      lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the      boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential      downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the      garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather      would be bad all day.

              I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back      into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different      anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

              My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my      stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

              And that's how the fight started...

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              My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

              She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

              I bought her a bathroom scale.

              And then the fight started.......

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              After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

              The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

              I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at      home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have      to go home and come back later.

              The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

              So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

              She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for      me' and she processed my Social Security application.

              When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at      the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped      your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

              And then the fight started...

              ________________________________

              My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.               She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

              "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you      to pay me a compliment.'

              I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

              And then the fight started........

              ________________________________

     I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

     The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

     He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

     So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

     That's how the fight started.